This past week I did something I’ve been churning over for a long time. For quite a while I have considered consolidating my blog posts from the past four years into a book. I finally started the process a couple of months ago and last week the publishing and printing was complete. Last Friday I posted on my personal Facebook page and my blog site that my book is now available on Amazon.
Sweet friends, I am overwhelmed with the responses and kind words I’ve received.
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When Rachel died nine years ago there were days when I could hardly put two words together. Every part of me was so consumed with grief that it was hard to function. The routine tasks I was able to accomplish were because they were, well, routine. I had notes and reminders everywhere, at work and at home, because I couldn’t remember why I had walked from one room to another.
As the months went on, my brain became clearer, but that was somehow more painful. I realized I truly was going to have to live the rest of my life without one of my children in this world. A huge part of my ability to keep going was the support of friends – long-time friends and people I knew only casually. Friends who stepped up and took on some of my workload, who called and texted frequently just to check up on me. And people who took the time to reach out to my husband, to Rachel’s siblings, and to my children’s father. Large and small gestures that renewed my faith in mankind. And, more importantly, guided me towards renewing my faith in God.
Pretty soon I found some groups on Facebook for bereaved parents. I joined and left a few before I found two that felt right. They are both Christian-based and limited to parents only who have lost a child. One group especially felt like home. The moderator is so strong in her faith, her teaching, and her support. Yet also real in her grief and her debates with God as to why He allowed her son to leave this world too soon. (Well, too soon as we mortals see it.)
Interacting with parents who were further down the path of grief and recovery than I was gave me hope and reassurance. Realizing God wouldn’t punish me for being angry and questioning His judgement helped me be more honest with Him about my struggles. I was reminded of my children when they were little and would get in trouble. They would get angry, throw a tantrum, then eventually come crawl into my lap for comfort. God lets us do that, too.
I began writing about my experience as a bereaved mama as a catharsis. A means to pour out my sadness, anger, doubt, and questioning. After writing for myself for a while, I decided to create a blog where maybe my words might help other sad, angry, questioning parents.
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That brings us up to August of this year. I have four years of blog posts so far. When I look back at them, I realize I’ve made progress in my grief journey. And, even more important, I see where God has been holding me up all this time. It’s a bit overwhelming.
What’s equally as overwhelming is the response and support I’ve gotten from friends and fellow bereaved parents (there’s a lot of overlap between those groups).
I want to say Thank You to everyone who has responded to my book announcement. Everyone who has followed my blog so far. Everyone who has offered me friendship, comfort, and understanding. My journey is not over. I will keep writing. I will keep asking God questions. And I will miss Rachel until the day I join her in Heaven.
Where once again I know I will be overwhelmed.
Laura
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