A Light for My Path

It feels very unfair that grief can put a damper on what should otherwise be joyful, fun occasions. I mentioned last week that Father’s Day would be hard for my daughter. Her dad passed away suddenly last November, so this is her first Father’s Day without him. I know she delighted in helping her four children celebrate their father. And she called her stepdad to wish him a happy day. But still her heart was heavy. She misses her daddy.

Each loss takes its toll. Specific occasions will conjure up memories of one or another loved one no longer with us. But, the loss of a child seems to weave its effect through every holiday and celebration, regardless of the occasion. I often wonder if I will ever be able to fully immerse myself in a joyous moment without it being tainted by the thought that Rachel should be there. Or, that at least I could call her up and tell her all about it. Or text her a picture right on the spot. The fact that I am still on this Earth and she is not will never feel right or fair to me.

Please don’t think that I am a sad sack. That I am wallowing in my grief. That I should have “long been over it.” I’m actually a pretty cheerful person. I love my life and the people who are in it. I enjoy new experiences and old traditions. I can joke around and laugh heartily. I love to debate ideas. I think I’m a decently medium-to-high-functioning adult most of the time.

But . . .

My head, heart, and spirit are tainted by the experience of great grief. And I believe the grief that comes with losing a child is harder than any other. (It’s okay if you don’t agree.)

I have come to accept that I will probably have to live with this inability to experience complete, untainted joy for the rest of my time on Earth. It’s the price of being an imperfect human. But I also live with a promise.

. . . those the Lord has rescued will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
    everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
    and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

Isaiah 35:10

I will be rescued. I will be overtaken. I will no longer be tainted.

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Laura