A few days ago, a young mother joined one of the bereaved parent groups I’m in. She posted that she had gone into premature labor at 21 weeks pregnancy. Her little girl only lived a few days. Her child’s death was three months ago, and she is in deep grief. She is having an especially hard time dealing with well-meaning people who try to comfort her with statements like:
“God makes no mistakes; there is a reason this happened.”
“Your child is in God’s loving hands.”
“Know that this is all part of God’s plan in your life.”
She asked other parents who are farther along in their grief journey how they have dealt with these kinds of remarks. It’s been nine years since my daughter went to Heaven and I have to admit, I still get angry when I hear “comforting” words like these. My initial reaction was to tell this grieving mother to punch them in the mouth.
But honestly, I get it. People don’t know what to say to someone who has lost a loved one, especially a child. Thankfully, most people have not experienced child loss. They may have lost parents or other loved ones, but not a child. And child loss is every parent’s worst fear. So, they cover up their horror and fear with platitudes.
The day of our daughter’s memorial service, my husband and I were going to be driving from our river house to Jacksonville – about a two-hour drive. We stopped for breakfast at a little restaurant frequented by the locals here. Not because we really wanted to be in public, but we didn’t have the energy to make breakfast at home. And we knew it was going to be a long day.
A couple who are friends of ours were in a booth across from us. The wife got up and came and sat beside me. She said, “I’m not going to talk. There are no words I could say to help. But, if you don’t mind, I’m going to hold your hand until your food comes.”
These sweet friends have no children. They could not offer words of wisdom based on experience. They are Christian, but she didn’t try to uplift me with Bible verses. She held my hand, handed me a tissue, and gave me a little nod when our server started over to our table. No big hug. Nothing demonstrative that would get the attention of other diners. Her silence and her presence were more comforting than anything she could have said.
Now, I want to be sure I’m not giving the impression that the Word of God is not comforting. It is. Absolutely.
But not when it’s used as a cudgel. When it’s presented in a way that implies you should not grieve. That you shouldn’t question why this awful thing has happened. That you shouldn’t be angry. When God’s mighty words are presented as platitudes – trite, over-used phrases that sound rehearsed at best and smug at worst – you insult both the hearer and God.
Yes, God is in charge. Yes, God makes no mistakes. Yes, God’s view is eternal, and our current one is limited. But God does not minimize our grief. He grieves for and with us. He doesn’t tell us not to mourn. The Bible is full of mourners. Jesus mourned and wept with Mary and Martha because He shared their grief.
It’s okay to not know what to say. It’s okay just to sit in silence and hold someone’s hand.
It’s not okay to brush aside their grief and misuse scripture.
It’s not okay to turn God’s words into platitudes.
Laura
A Light for My Path 
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