A Light for My Path

I like to be in control. I’m a planner and detail oriented, so I feel comfortable taking a lead position. Because then I have control of what plan we follow and can ensure every “i” is dotted and every “t” is crossed.

Of course, my being in control is a façade. There is so much evidence to the contrary. I’ve made mistakes and unwise decisions. I’ve had to own up to flaws in my carefully constructed plans. I herded my children like baby chicks and tried to plan their lives. I was bossy and over-protective. And I thought my controlling efforts were paying off when they were becoming successful in their adult lives. But all my planning and hovering couldn’t prevent my younger daughter’s death.

Her fatal car accident on a bright April morning shook me to the core. I didn’t anticipate it. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t undo it. It was completely out of my control.

I prayed more in the first year after her death than I’d prayed in all the years before. Mostly because part of my mind was in constant prayer. Unspoken groans and wailing into my pillow. Then “why?” repeated over and over.

I didn’t get answers directly and I’ve come to accept that I may never get them until I reach Heaven. That acceptance helped me to trust God more and to not question His judgement so much.

What it didn’t do was completely change my controlling nature. When I have worries and uncertainties, I always pray about them now. I ask God to guide me in what I should do. I trust His judgment about the solution and timing. But truthfully, I don’t always act like I trust Him. I find it very hard to say “God, I’m giving this problem to you now” and completely let it go.

You’re probably familiar with the song “Jesus, Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood. In it a young woman and her infant are in a car traveling to her parents’ house on Christmas Eve. She is worried and distracted and doesn’t realize there’s ice on the road until her car starts spinning out of control. She takes her hands off the steering wheel and prays for Jesus to take control.

I honestly don’t know if I could do that. Oh, I would pray. But I’m not sure I could let go of that wheel. I think I’d try with all my might to get the car under control. Not realizing that I’m wrestling with God. Who do you think’s gonna win that battle? Yeah, it’s not me.

I know for a fact that God is my Protector. I have a strong belief He always has my best interest at heart. And even if I try to take control, His Will will be done. I know and believe this, but I don’t always see it. Because my view is limited and His is eternal.

So, one thing I find myself praying (a lot) is “Father, forgive me when I give you my worries and problems and then I take them back.”

---

Laura