A Light for My Path

One of my devotional readings this month is based on a book by Oswald Chambers called Peace – Life in the Spirit. A statement that really spoke to me says:

When God begins His work in us He does not make a mighty difference in our external lives, but He shifts the center of our confidence.

Oswald Chambers

When I was around 12 or 13, a friend invited me to attend a revival meeting service at her church. That night’s service was geared towards middle and high schoolers and we were all asked to sit in the choir. The preacher was pretty “fire and brimstone” in his style. Towards the end of the service, he turned to the kids in the choir and said, “all of you who were saved on a Monday, stand up.” Several of the thirty or so young people stood up. The preacher continued through the days of the week and a few more kids stood up each time. When he got to Sunday, the five or so of us still seated stood up.

The preacher turned to the congregation and declared “Just look at all these beautiful young souls who have been saved by the Grace of Jesus!”.

As soon as I got home, I ran to my room and threw myself on my bed sobbing. I was sure God was going to punish me for lying in church. Because I didn’t know what specific day I had been saved. I had not experienced some powerful eye-opening bolt of the Grace of Jesus that changed me in a nanosecond from sinner to saint.

And, I’m pretty sure some of the other kids in that choir felt the same. But, we weren’t going to humiliate ourselves or our families by not standing up. Not that I had that realization as an awkward, nerdy young teen. It took me many years to learn that the Holy Spirit doesn’t always come busting in through the doors of our heart. Sometimes the space we give Him expands and contracts as we work through the blessings and curses life throws in our path.

Most of us are familiar with the story of Paul’s conversion. He was a devout Jew and a learnéd Pharisee who persecuted the followers of Jesus. He thought Jesus was a heretic for claiming to be the Messiah. Paul was spoken to directly and out loud by Christ Himself while he was traveling to Damascus. He was struck temporarily blind. That terrifying experience and subsequent messages from God turned Paul into a believer in Christ and one of the most renowned apostles in history.

Paul’s story is powerful. But, it’s not everyone’s story.

Moving forward from my awkward teen years: When I was a young, married mother of two little girls, I volunteered as an assistant youth group leader at our church. It was a large church with an active group and it took two of us to wrangle them, especially on field trips and community service projects. I became close to the older group leader and she was often a sounding board for my soul searching. I confessed to her that I found it hard to completely let go of control and let God take over. She said to me, “maybe you haven’t yet experienced something completely out of your control to realize just how weak our grasp really is.”

That was nearly 40 years ago. I still cannot pinpoint exactly when I opened my heart to allow God to begin His work in me. I know I have narrowed and widened that opening many times over the years. I don’t know that anyone else would notice much of a difference in my external life because I admit that for many years the changes were gradual. But, I know for a fact that things happen that are completely out of my control. None more so than losing my daughter. My confidence in my own ability to handle hard blows has shifted. And one of those shifts – one of those gradual changes – has been to put my confidence in God.

I wasn’t struck by lightning for lying in church. I wasn’t struck blind by a bright light from Heaven. But, I am struck by the amazing patience God has with me to continue to shift my center.

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Laura