I talked last week about not liking surprises, of wanting to feel in control. I’ve also talked about being a worrywart. These personality traits and my emotional reactions to things are heightened by the experience of child loss. This is not uncommon; other bereaved parents say they feel changed in the same way. It’s good to have that confirmation, but it’s hard to explain to others. Honestly, I often don’t try to explain. I just let people think I’m a bit too tightly wound.
I care more about what God thinks of my behavior. So often I feel I fall short of what God expects of me; of what the Bible teaches; of what my faith should reflect. Many times God’s Word tells us not to be afraid. Psalm 122 says:
6 Surely the righteous will never be shaken;Psalm 122
they will be remembered forever.
7 They will have no fear of bad news;
their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
8 Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear . . .
“They have no fear of bad news.” How I wish I could say that.
Last weekend I stayed over with the grandkids when my daughter and son-in-law had to go out of town for a few days. Their return flight was going to be late getting in and they didn’t expect to be home until nearly 1 am Monday. Around 1:30 I woke up realizing they weren’t home yet. I grabbed my phone and saw a text from my daughter that their flight leaving Atlanta had been cancelled and they were renting a car to drive the 5 ½ hours home. My fears and worries kicked into high gear. I knew their trip had been stressful and my son-in-law had an important meeting later that morning. The weather was rainy. I prayed they would be safe.
But, I can’t truthfully say I had no fear of bad news. Many a grieving parent’s heart skips a beat at even the thought of an unexpected phone call or knock on the door.
I dropped off the grandkids at school and in a cheery voice told them their mom would be there to pick them up and their daddy would be home for supper. I wish I could say my heart was steadfast and secure. But, it wasn’t until my daughter called and said they had turned in their rental car and were heading to their house that I breathed easily. I prayed both a thank you and an apology.
Do I still trust in the Lord? Yes. My heart is steadfast in the knowledge that God is always with me and He has a home for me in Heaven. My fear is of this world, not of Him. When the worst thing you can imagine happening does happen, you worry it could happen again. Forgive me, but I do fear bad news.
“I do believe; help my unbelief.” Mark 9:24
Laura
A Light for My Path 
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