A Light for My Path

One of the difficult aspects of grief is how it can catch you unawares. I can be having an average day (not a “trigger day”) walking through the grocery store, driving down the highway, or having a casual conversation with a neighbor and out of the blue a random comment, a song, or a memory can set off my grief. If I’m in the car, I just let the tears and memories flow. If I’m somewhere I can quickly step outside or into a restroom, I can usually stem the tide pretty easily.

But every once in a while, I’m caught with tears and sobs in public or with a casual acquaintance who has no idea why I am suddenly a soggy mess.

A good friend and fellow bereaved mom who is going through two very stressful and sad situations right now recently experienced just such an awkward moment. She was in the dentist’s chair having her teeth cleaned. The hygienist made a casual remark that made my friend tear up. The hygienist apologized profusely thinking she hit a painful spot. In fact, she had; only it was an emotional spot, not a physical one.

A few months after Rachel died, I had a routine annual appointment. Doctors’ offices had only recently started doing mental wellness checks. While I was waiting, I was asked to fill out a form with questions about my emotional health and whether I felt safe at home. One of the questions asked if I had recently had bouts of sadness and depression. Well, yes, I had.

When the doctor came in, she gently asked me about my response to that question. I burst into tears and explained about my daughter’s death. She grabbed a tissue box and wrapped her arms around me while I sobbed.

That was nearly nine years ago. Most of the time now I am able to control my emotions. I may get tears in my eyes at a memory or casual question like “how many children do you have,” but I can usually wipe them away and deflect or change the subject. (Talking about grandkids is always a great distraction.) But sometimes I just can’t stem the tide of reminiscence. Nostalgia comes rolling over me in waves and just like that I’m a puddle of sorrows.

I’ve come to accept that grief will always be a part of me. Along with joy, fear, anger, love, and all the other emotions. God gave us the ability to feel emotions for a reason. They are a part of our mind and soul as humans. Being aware of and channeling our emotions in healthy ways helps us mature and grow spiritually. We set examples for our children of how to acceptably handle emotions.

And when I am overwhelmed, in public or in private, when I feel out of control in grief or anger – or both – I remind myself that God is here, waiting for me to hand my tears and anger and fears over to Him.

And just like that He accepts my burdens.

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Laura