A dear friend of mine lost her infant granddaughter last week. This friend is no stranger to child loss. In fact, we met through her blog and Facebook group for bereaved parents. She lost her middle son a year before my Rachel died. He was a talented musician and on track to graduate from law school. She has a daughter and two sons still on this earth. Her granddaughter leaves behind two older brothers.
Having lost a child doesn’t make you inured to grief. And it shouldn’t. God did not create us to know death. Our human sinfulness and desire to know as much as God knows made our days on earth numbered. But what sin has a month-old baby committed? How do we “praise God from whom all blessings flow” when this tiny, blessed little girl’s days are numbered so few?
I have found though that even other parents who have lost a child are unsure of what to say or do for those who lose an infant – whether a baby born straight into Heaven or a baby who only survives a few weeks or months.
Comforting a griever can be awkward and uncomfortable. If the death is unexpected or involves something “unacceptable” (such as crime related, suicide, overdose) it can be even harder to know what to say. There’s no way for me to put this softly: this is not about you, the comforter; it’s about the griever. This is no time to ask for explicit details or to share your opinion about blame, cause, guilt, or sin. On the part of the bereaved or the deceased.
Grieving mothers, including those who have suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth, premature birth, or lost a child who lived only a few weeks or months, are prone to put enough guilt and blame on themselves, thank you very much. They don’t need to be questioned about what they did or didn’t do while pregnant, nursing, or otherwise caring for their baby.
And, please never say to a bereaved mother, even a young healthy mom, “you can always have more children.” It’s not comforting. It’s not helpful. It might not even be true. Even if the parent has older children already or eventually has another baby, one child does not replace another. One person, regardless of age, doesn’t replace another. The beauty of humanity is that we are all unique. God gave each of us our own personalized DNA that makes each of us exactly ourselves, down to the number of hairs on our head.
I’ll say it again: comforting a griever can be awkward and uncomfortable. It still is for me, at times. And I write about child loss. I speak at grief support presentations. We were not intended to die. So, death will always be discomfiting to us. Every life matters, no matter how short. Every life, no matter how brief, deserves to be honored.
On a personal note, if you are looking for a way to support parents who have lost a child at birth or prematurely, there is a program that’s close to my heart. When my daughter, Rachel, died in a car accident two months into her marriage, her wedding gown was still hanging on the back of their bedroom closet in a dry-cleaning bag. Her husband donated it to a local “angel gown” organization. These programs turn the gowns into christening and burial gowns for infants. The gowns are donated to bereaved families at no cost. The organizations have varying names but can be located online by searching for angel gown donations.
Please, honor the little children.
Laura
A Light for My Path 
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