I’ve written before about “grief seasons.” Bereaved parents often experience a period each year where their grief is especially strong because of recurring triggers within that timeframe. Most of these triggers are self-evident: your child’s birthday, death date, holidays, etc. Grief seasons aren’t limited to child loss, of course. There are similar triggers associated with the loss of any significant loved one. Still, losing a child is so devastating that it tends to bring the biggest grief blow of any loss.
My grief season begins on Halloween (my daughter’s birthday) and encompasses my birthday in early November, Thanksgiving and Christmas, my daughter’s wedding anniversary in February, and her fatal accident in April of the same year. Oh yes, and Mother’s Day. This doesn’t mean that there aren’t unexpected triggers at any other time of the year, but the grief just seems to build on itself during that time period. I just get through the Thanksgiving pumpkin pie (which was Rachel’s favorite) when here comes Christmas and the stocking with her name on it stays in the closet while the rest of them are hung on the mantle.
I’m into my ninth grief season now. Although, that first year or two I shouldn’t really say was seasonal. The grief was nonstop. I felt like I was driving through a thunderstorm. I could barely see; everything was slightly out of focus. I couldn’t concentrate on any task; everywhere I went seemed full of noise. We “celebrated” Thanksgiving and Christmas at our older daughter’s house, mainly for the sake of the grandchildren. It was all I could do to keep my emotions in check during any special occasion. Once we were home, I would collapse on the bed and sob.
If you are early in your grief and wondering how it’s possible to walk through this world without your child in it, certain your life will never get back to normal, please believe you are not alone. But it takes time. Much more time than your friends and even family will understand. And your “new normal” will likely be different from your old self. Child loss changes us fundamentally.
You will backslide. You might go for months being able to go to work, attend church, socialize with friends. And then suddenly a memory, an event, a scent, or a picture can send you spiraling into grief as though the loss happened yesterday. And all you want to do is curl up and weep.
I didn’t figure all this out on my own. * Six months or so after Rachel died, I started looking for an online support group for grieving parents. I joined and left several before I found one that felt right. One of the most frequent questions asked in the group by recently bereaved parents is “Am I normal?”. Regardless of the catalyst for that question, almost always the answer is “yes.” There is great comfort in being able to talk to other parents who understand. Who tell you what has helped them. Who pray with and for you. Who say “hey, private message me any time you need to talk.”
Time drags on and on the first two or three years after your child leaves this world. But slowly your new normal sets in. You may feel guilty for feeling pleasure, for laughing, for celebrating. It does not mean you have forgotten your child.
A little over a week ago was Halloween. For the previous nine years my husband and I have not celebrated this holiday. We keep the porch light off and don’t hand out candy. We don’t go to our older daughter’s and watch the grandkids trick-or-treat. We wait a few days to join them on November 2nd for the youngest’s birthday.
But this year our granddaughter’s birthday fell on a Sunday and we had already accepted an invitation to brunch with the neighbors. So, we agreed to come over for that Friday and Saturday to celebrate her turning 10. We also ended up walking around the neighborhood and collecting candy with the kids.
I didn’t forget that it was Rachel’s birthday. I still love her and miss her — and I always will! Still, there is life to be lived here. Each day of that life brings me closer to seeing Rachel again. And having eternity to celebrate God’s Heaven with her! So, I shouldn’t feel guilty about celebrating with loved ones here in the meantime.
And neither should you.
Laura
*There is nothing wrong with seeking professional help. Grief support groups, whether in person or online, are wonderful resources. But you should be discerning in selecting a group that reflects your religious and cultural beliefs. If you don’t feel comfortable in a group, even if you have made some personal friends within it, please don’t feel guilty about distancing yourself from it. And, if you begin to feel truly hopeless in your grief, you are abusing alcohol or other substances, or you are in danger of harming yourself or others, please seek professional help.
A Light for My Path 
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