My friend Melanie, who is also a bereaved mother, has a website titled The Life I Didn’t Choose.
That title is a perfect encapsulation of how life feels when you lose a child. It also reflects the feelings of many people about the twists and turns they’ve encountered in life. Life doesn’t always follow our plans.
Not all my blog posts are specifically about my experience of child loss. Last week I wrote about our blended family of siblings and other “relatives” that may or may not be related by blood, but who are family, nonetheless. This family occupies a large part of my life. Not a day goes by that one or more of my family members pops up in my thoughts or in my text messages. My youngest grand especially likes to FaceTime me to teach me a new dance, tell me a new joke, get me to play a game with her, or watch her do acrobatics on the trampoline. (I love it that she considers me a ready-made playmate, but I also realize she’s probably calling me because her best buddies are unavailable.)
Life is fun.
My six grands run in age from 18 down to 9. Their lives are very busy, as are their parents’. I love the bustle and fun when we spend time at their house. I also love to come home and sit on the porch or the dock with my husband and enjoy the quiet.
I am enjoying retired life after a fulfilling but sometimes stressful career. There’s enough to keep me busy. I’m on the board of a local nonprofit and serve as the bookkeeper. We have regular food giveaways, conduct periodic grief workshops, and host annual events such as a health fair, school supply giveaway, and cold-weather clothing giveaway. Several neighbors get together once a week for lunch and card games. I try to hit the gym at least three times a week. And our household project list never seems to get any shorter no matter how many items we check off.
Life is good.
But not perfect. Life in this world never is. We make mistakes. We hurt other people. People hurt us. We watch our grandparents and then our parents age and move on to Heaven. We marry. Some of us divorce and then marry again. We raise our children as best we can. They marry and give us grandchildren. (Seriously the best gift there is, in my opinion.)
We never anticipate that in all this time, in all this mixture of joy, sorrow, thrills, and average days … We never anticipate that our life will include losing a child. Full stop. Child loss changes your life.
And it takes a while, more than most people understand, to figure out how to reconcile this awful change. How to keep living life with a piece of you no longer here. It’s been eight years since Rachel moved to Heaven. I’ve learned how to function as the changed person I have become. I cling to God more. I used to give Him lip service, but I was pretty darn self-sufficient. I had it all together until I completely fell apart. And realized just how much I need Him in my life.
Life is precious.
I didn’t choose this life. Yes, I made choices in my life, some pretty good ones and some pretty bad ones. I never would have chosen to have one of my children leave this world before me. But I’m not in charge of my life. I don’t have the long view. I have to put my trust in God that He is in control and the eternal outcome will wipe away all the mistakes and hurts of this life. In the meantime, I will try my best to live joyfully and intentionally. To appreciate all the good times and good people I’ve had in my life. And to be ready when it’s my time to go.
THAT’S LIFE.
Laura
If you have lost a child I highly recommend you check in to Melanie’s website at https://thelifeididntchoose.com/ or join her on FaceBook at https://www.facebook.com/share/g/18xfkWeRMj/
A Light for My Path 
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