A Light for My Path

A fellow bereaved parent expressed surprise that the New Year hit her harder than Christmas did. She was prepared to be sad and emotional at Christmas, but she got through it okay. Instead, she found herself weeping on New Year’s Eve and waking up depressed the next morning.

I commented that even almost eight years after losing Rachel I am still taken aback by the things that hurt my heart and the things that I can handle. As I talked about in a post a few weeks ago, I’m always aware of the “gap” when there’s a family gathering. And I will never not miss Rachel. But usually, the missing is a dull ache or a twinge that I’ve grown used to much like the bursitis in my right shoulder.

Every once a while, out of the blue, the pain rears up. My shoulder doesn’t just ache, it HURTS. I can barely raise my arm. I didn’t do anything unusual, but I’m suddenly keenly aware of my every move and try not to use that arm, if at all possible. (Washing my hair and putting on jeans using only one arm would be comical if it didn’t hurt so bad.)

Like my grieving friend, I got through Christmas without a tear. There was lots of activity, eating, and lively conversation at my older daughter’s. I spent time with friends and family I don’t see often. And my husband and I were busy with a home project the week after Christmas.

Then New Year’s Eve came and I didn’t feel very festive at all. We don’t usually go out, but my husband often cooks a fancy meal, and we stay up and toast the new year. I suggested we just have spaghetti and then I went to bed early. He woke me for a kiss at midnight. I got up before dawn the next morning and cried on the couch in the dark. I rallied for a neighborhood new year’s lunch, but didn’t stay for the bonfire and music. I was feeling depressed. Unhappy. How could I be happy starting off yet another year without my younger daughter in it?

Happy is a pretty common word. As a writer I try to exercise my vocabulary and use fewer common words when possible. There are a myriad synonyms for happy. The first one in the online Oxford thesaurus is contented. There’s also joyful. Satisfied. Jovial. Blessed. Elated. Radiant. And many more.

I can’t say I’m elated or jovial. I’m especially not radiant. But when I set aside my cynicism, I have to admit that I am contented and satisfied. And, truthfully, I am joyful. My sweet husband is so caring. He’s also a great cook and he makes me laugh. Our home in the country beside a river gives me comfort and peace. My older daughter and her family fill me with pride. She and her husband are raising four capable, accomplished, faith-filled young people.

All of this brings me joy. None of this completely offsets my grief.

But I am content in my life and in the assurance of elation and radiance in the life to come. I am blessed.

So, can I say Happy New Year? No question about it.

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Laura