Parenting is fraught with guilt. Santa isn’t able to bring the exact bicycle your child wanted for Christmas. Zach can’t go on the spring break trip unless he has a job during winter holidays. Mama won’t allow Chelsea to wear her skirt as short as “all the other girls” do.
Your child complains bitterly about how unfair this is. And she has no idea how hard it is for you to stick to your guns about teaching her responsibility. Or trying to avoid explaining to him that money is tight and your job situation is tenuous.
Children should not have to bear adult burdens. But, sometimes those adult burdens become so heavy that they spill out over our children. Because we’re only human and we make mistakes. Because layoffs blindside us, divorce happens, and sometimes life is just not fair.
But, still. We want to shield our children from pain. We want to wrap them in a protective layer of blissful innocence until they are ready to step out on their own.
And we feel guilty when we cannot live up to the impossible ideals we have set for parenthood. Add into this mix child loss and we can feel like complete failures.
Dear God — could I have a do-over?
I know that nothing I did while raising my younger daughter resulted in her having a fatal car accident at age 30. I know there is nothing I could have done to anticipate or prevent it.
Yet, 7 years after her death I still wonder what I would do differently in raising her and her sister if I had known then what I know now about being a parent.
If I had a chance at a do-over, would I take it?
That’s a loaded question. Because, if nothing changes, then I have to go through her death once again.
I could not bear that.
But, if everything changes, who knows what things good or bad might come from it?
My brain and heart are not strong enough to handle the strain of these what-ifs.
Ah, but there’s an alternative.
I can’t change the past. But, God has given me a second chance in the form of grandchildren. I can learn from my mistakes and my accomplishments. I can think about the lessons I taught my girls and refine them. I have the luxury of retirement time to spend an entire afternoon on the couch reading books to them. Or sitting on a creek bank after dinner watching my granddaughter wade barefoot with a new friend she just met.
I can indulge them and spoil them, but also take the time to explain why no means no. Why rules like no treats before dinner can occasionally be broken. But, respect for others and bedtime prayers are absolutes.
Grandchildren give me the chance at do overs.
I can’t really change the past. But, I can affect the future by what I’ve learned. Maybe that’s not exactly a do over. Still, I hope it’s a “do better.”
Laura
A Light for My Path 
Leave a comment