Almost exactly two years ago I wrote a post titled “It’s The Little Things.” I talked about how little things (random words, items in my closet, owls hooting) can trigger memories of Rachel. It’s been seven years since she went to Heaven, and while the memories may still bring a tear to my eye, they mostly make me smile. They often prompt me to tell a story – I’m never short of stories to tell; although many of them are repeats. I’m rarely at a loss for words, in general.
I’m also somewhat of a grammar snob. Growing up I was surrounded by teachers, professors, writers, and raconteurs. One of my uncles was the dean of the English department at the University of Memphis. Slang and bad grammar were frowned upon in our household. It’s no surprise that I was the kid who hid under the covers way past bedtime with a flashlight and a book. Also, not surprising that I majored in English and spent most of my work career involved in one form or another of writing. I have quite a few grammar pet peeves. Fortunately, my husband is also an English major so I don’t have to correct his grammar. I’m sure our conversations would bore many people to tears.
Every once in a while, I run into a dilemma that bothers me grammatically and hurts my heart. It’s a little thing. Or, it should be. But, I’m not alone in wondering how to address it. It’s a question I hear often from recently bereaved parents and I still don’t have a clear answer to it seven years down this path.
Do I refer to my child in the past or the present tense?
Sometimes the proper grammar is straightforward. My child was 30 when she died. Rachel was a graduate of University of North Florida. My daughter loved ripe cherries and old movies.
Other times it’s more complicated. When asked, “How many children do you have?” Such a seemingly benign question that’s often posed in casual conversation. But, one that would make me stutter and struggle to hold back tears. I’m more prepared and practiced for it now. And, I always answer in the present tense: I have two daughters. Because I do. The fact that Rachel is not here on earth anymore makes her no less my daughter. If pressed for more information about my children, I say that my younger daughter died in a car accident in 2017 at age 30. And, then I quickly move to my older daughter and my grandchildren and try to keep the topic light.
But, sometimes I tie myself up in a grammatical quagmire. Recently, after an extended text conversation with a neighbor, I said I’d better stop chatting and go dry my hair. She commented that it probably takes a long time because I have long hair. I replied it actually doesn’t because, although it’s long, my hair is thin. And, then I started to say, “unlike my daughters who both have really thick hair.”
I stopped midsentence and deleted it. TTYL, I typed.
Rachel’s hair was thick and so is her sister’s. Her sister loves boots and so did Rachel. One is past tense and one is present. It’s awkward grammar. And, it hurts my heart.
One daughter continues to be, to have new experiences, to face new challenges, to gain wisdom, and eventually to age. The other is frozen in amber.
Well, not really. She is now ageless and infinitely wise. She is experiencing beauty we can’t even imagine. She is in the future.
I’m not going to stop telling stories from the past. It’s in my DNA. I was raised by storytellers. And, there are wonderful things in the present that bring me joy. Have I mentioned my grandchildren? But, I need to work the future into my stories. What is to come. What will be. Where we’re going; not just where we’ve come from. Grammatically speaking it’s future perfect.
Laura
A Light for My Path 
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