A Light for My Path

The Oxford dictionary defines doldrums as “a state or period of inactivity, stagnation, or depression.” It’s the perfect definition for the post-holiday blues.

January should be uplifting. We’ve entered a new year. Made resolutions to improve ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. The decorations are all packed away, the fridge and pantry have been cleaned out and stocked with healthy foods. The kids are excited about the start of a new semester. RIGHT?

Maybe in some alternate universe. For most of us the reality is we’re lucky if we keep our resolutions for a couple of weeks. Some of us still have the decorations up (ahem, me). We’re tired of seeing leftovers in the fridge and have opted for pizza at least once. And, the kids have gotten real used to staying up late and being couch potatoes.

Let’s face it – January is a blah month. In the northern hemisphere, it’s cold and damp, if not snowy. It gets dark before dinnertime. There aren’t any fun holidays to look forward to until Valentine’s Day. It’s very easy to slip into the doldrums.

This time of year can be especially hard on grieving parents, when one of your children is missing from the celebrations. Some parents establish new traditions because the thought of trying to recreate the same family Christmas when you family will never be the same again is unbearable. Still, many parents say that the holiday events themselves are not as difficult as the days leading up to them. If we allow ourselves to “pre-grieve” we can get through the celebration itself with some enjoyment.

But, afterwards. Reality kicks in again. Another year that doesn’t include your child in it. No new pictures. No new milestones. How can you face it?

Grief feels lonely. Grief changes you physically and psychologically. If you feel yourself sinking into depression, lethargy, the doldrums, please don’t think you have to handle these feelings alone. I’ve written before about faith-based resources to help grieving parents. I belong to two private groups on social media for bereaved parents that offer Biblically sound support. One is While We’re Waiting and the other is Heartache and Hope: Life After losing a Child.

While We’re Waiting also offers free retreats where mothers and fathers who have lost children can share their experiences in a Christian atmosphere.

The leader of Heartache and Hope: Life After losing a Child also publishes a daily blog on her website https://thelifeididntchoose.com.

For some grieving parents the first holiday season without their child is the hardest. After that, they have at least learned some coping mechanisms. But, don’t be surprised or ashamed if you find yourself several years down the road still struggling. I was numb for most of the first year after losing Rachel. Oh, I cried a lot. But, my grief was so overwhelming that my heart and mind put up a shield around me. I didn’t want to feel any more emotions; grief was all I could handle. The second year I felt like I had to let down my shield and every feeling I had suppressed came out. I was anxious, angry, sloppily sentimental, over-bearing. Every personality trait was exaggerated.

I am so grateful to God that I found the Facebook groups I mentioned above. They are safe places where I can share my fears and doubts and concerns about being “normal.” They allow me to let my emotions out and get my worries off my chest without feeling like I am burdening someone (especially other family members who are also grieving).

They assure me that someone is always listening, that someone always cares. And, when I’m deep in the doldrums, they remind me that God is still right here, right now. He cares, too.

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Laura