From my journal July 7, 2019:
Our son-in-law (Rachel’s widower — OH! how I hate typing that) came to visit us for a few days this week. We love him and always enjoy spending time with him. But, I admit I always anticipate his visits with a mixture of joy and dread.
Because his presence just emphasizes her absence. We talk about her a lot, of course. And especially about things she did and what she was like as a child and a teenager. They had known each other almost exactly a year when they were married and then had 2 months as a married couple before she died in April 2017.
So, the things he would have learned about her from her in those long, lingering, late-night conversations that lovers have, he now has to learn from her siblings, her dad, and from me. Never getting her unique perspective on events. Having barely been a first-hand observer of her interactions with her rowdy mix of 5 blended siblings (step, half, and whole, but always all-for-one, one-for-all).
We talked about not being angry at God anymore and trying not to focus on whys and what-ifs and how we’re glad the little tree is thriving and not mentioning her ashes that are mingled with its roots.
And I didn’t cry the whole time he was here, which must mean I’m getting “better,” right? And this morning I was on my knees sobbing in a dark bathroom because these conversations, these memories, this tree is what we have of her. And it’s not enough.
It’s been almost 4 ½ years since I wrote that. Our son-in-law was just here visiting again for a few days. Even more than 6 years since her death he is still very much a part of our family. He has not remarried nor had a serious romantic relationship in that time. He confessed that he would like to, but just hasn’t met anyone that made his heart skip a beat. We have talked before about if and when he does meet that person. He has said that he would want us to meet her and would ask our blessing before he proposed to anyone.
We talked about Rachel while he was here, of course. But, we also talked about a lot of other things – the state of the world, his work, the classic car he is restoring, his mother and sisters, the grandchildren/nieces and nephews and plans for the Christmas holidays. We have almost 8 years of history between us now. He lives in the same city as Rachel’s sister and stepsister and spends a lot of time with them and their families. We know a lot about each other. Much more than we did when I wrote that journal post 4 years ago.
But, it’s still not enough. Because the person we have most in common – our daughter/his wife – has left an ever-widening gap in the history and memories of our lives that we continue to build. I can still bring up stories about Rachel that our son-in-law hasn’t heard before. But, more often than not when I talk about her, he will say, “oh yes, I remember you telling me that before.” We don’t mind the repeated stories. We tell them about other family members, as well. The difference, of course, is that there will never be any new stories to tell about Rachel. And, the ones we have are just not enough.
Laura
A Light for My Path 
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