Grief can be hard on a friendship. Especially the grief of child loss.
By the time we are adults, most of us have experienced the loss of someone we love, often a grandparent. At my age, I have only a few friends fortunate enough to still have a parent living. All of my own close relatives a generation older than me have left this world. In my immediate family, I am the older generation. (Although, I don’t feel wise enough to have obtained that position of seniority.)
But, because most adults have experienced loss of someone close, they can empathize with each other and anticipate triggers and emotional reactions in others.
Child loss is every parent’s worst fear. It is a loss like no other. Blessedly, few parents experience it. But, that means even a close friend may not understand the fundamental changes in a parent after her child dies. This is one of the biggest reasons grieving parents seek out support groups and grief counseling specific to child loss. (Compassionate Friends and While We’re Waiting are two nationally recognized groups dedicated to supporting grieving parents.)
I’m a member of two private, faith-based Facebook groups for parents who have lost a child. The groups are led by moderators who provide daily guidance and advice. But, the group members also reach out to each other with questions and for support. Many posts start with “is this normal?” or “has anyone else experienced this?”. Questions and concerns often center around difficulties or changes in relationships after the death of a child.
A parent recently was troubled because a close friend was upset and angry with her. The friend had invited her to a large party celebrating an important event in her life. The parent initially accepted, but the day of the party, she called to say she couldn’t come. This wasn’t the first time the parent had declined to attend a large function with her friend.
If you are a grieving parent, you know that parties and celebrations can be hard. As soon as you open that invitation, your mind starts to churn.
- What if someone there doesn’t know I lost Rachel and asks about her?
- What if I’m asked how many children I have?
- What if something happens that makes me cry?
- Can I quickly find a private place to regain my composure?
- What if this happens while I’m sitting at a crowded dinner table?
- What if I just need to leave the event completely?
- Will I be able to make a quick excuse to the host and escape without attracting attention?
Sometimes these fears are so great that it’s just easier to decline the invitation in the first place. Other times, if you know the event is important to your friend, you may accept and have every intention to attend. But, the day of, you just can’t muster up to emotional strength to go. So, you send a last-minute text to your friend begging her understanding.
And, sure, if it’s only been a few months since your child died, or if the event is on or close to a “trigger” date for you, your friend is likely to extend grace and understand.
But, what if it’s been years? How do you explain to your friend that you are so happy and proud for her big promotion, but your daughter would be celebrating her 5th wedding anniversary that weekend, if she hadn’t died two months after her wedding? It’s been five years. Can’t you get a handle on your emotions after all this time? To celebrate one of your closest friends?
If you are a grieving parent, you know the answer to the question is . . . “I just don’t know.”
I truly understand why the friend was upset and angry. She feels snubbed. She feels like she is holding up more than her share of the weight of their friendship. She loves the grieving parent, but it’s hard to be friends with someone who’s dragging an anchor she can’t let go of.
Grieving parent, we need our friends. We cannot get through this alone. God has put people in our lives to love us and for us to love them in return. So, we have an obligation not to alienate those who truly want to understand and help us navigate life after child loss.
Friends of grieving parents, I hope you never fully understand what child loss does to a mama or daddy. We have lost a part of ourselves as surely as if we had lost a limb. We necessarily walk and think and act different than we did before.
I strongly encourage both grieving parents and close friends (or family members) to seek help in communicating and understanding. It may be a grief support group that meets at your church. It may be an organization like Compassionate Friends. Or, it may be just a casual get together over coffee on a regular basis to talk and to LISTEN.
It’s hard to love and understand someone who has been fundamentally changed by a great loss. It’s hard to articulate how grief has changed us. If we want to salvage the relationship, we need to be willing to meet in the middle. And, if that meeting needs a moderator, that’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Laura
A Light for My Path 
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